8 Minutes

Simon Sinek is quickly becoming one of my richest resources when it comes to connecting to people and leading effectively with gentleness and integrity. Simon advocates heavily for brief but focused check-ins. His theory based, on a lot of research and experience, is that 8 minutes of focused conversation is all it takes for someone to know that they aren’t alone. 8 minutes. That’s not very long. But we often have a sense that our lives are too busy. While we may have a lot of activity, especially during certain stages of our children’s growth, there are so many places where we could use some discipline and structure. Imagine this scenario. Someone sends you a message. “Hey, what are you up to?” It’s a little message that you probably didn’t think twice about. It’s the same message that you get from this person multiple times a week. A few days later, you find out that this friend was having an unusually hard day and needed someone to talk to, but nothing seemed off at the time. How can we, as a community of friends and family, reach out in ways that cement the kind of connected existence that holds us when we are weakest? Make time to connect with people. When you really need to talk with someone, start with “Do you have 8 minutes?” Simple gestures like a phone call, a text, or just a quick in-person interaction may seem small, but they carry a lot of impact. It brings a sense of reassurance and the knowledge that we have a place where we belong and are seen for who we are. Listen attentively, particularly when the interaction has begun with that code phrase. There is a time and a place for a back-and-forth exchange. There is a time and a place to simply be still and listen to the people we love.

Women of God, Rise Up

Last week we spoke to the men. This week, the charge goes to the women of God. We are living in a place and time when women have more options and opportunities than ever before. Positions of power and influence now have a feminine voice in the mix. Representation of experience and perspective is vital for a thriving community. One of the issues at stake is at the foundation of our value assessment. It is often based on a lie. That lie is that you are not enough as God has created you and that the “traditional” roles of women in our society are less valuable than “traditional” roles of men. May I propose to you this truth. There is something profound, powerful, and vital about the role the woman of God plays in a healthy society. Woman was created as an “ezer kenegdo” for Adam. That term, “helper suitable”, is so much more than an assistant. Woman is created to do for man what he cannot do for himself. The word is used 21 times in scripture. Two times it is used to describe Eve. Three times it describes the nations coming to Israel’s aid. 16 times it is used to describe God’s role in the provision of Israel. Pursue your passion. CEO, president, or any other influential position you want is worth pursuing. Pursue it in the fulness of what God has placed within you as a woman of God. Finally, refuse to accept society’s lie that discredits the uniqueness found in womanhood. It is a beautiful expression of the character of God that we simply can’t see or reproduce through any other avenue. God, in all of his wisdom and authority, has granted each of us unique abilities that are to be used for his glory. My prayer is that we will learn to be content in what and where God has placed us, and then live in his power to accomplish his mission both at home and in our communities.

Men of God, Rise Up

It is ironic. In one moment, our culture diminishes and villainizes the prominent picture of masculinity. At the same time, the most successful films, the epic sagas, and the fairy tale endings almost implore the presence of that same energy and character. The battlefield testimonies, the feats of heroism and strength, and the presence of power, strength, and sacrifice inspire us and even bring us to tears. The difficulty for men is to discern which voice to listen to. I think the answer is neither. Rise above the noise and the fray and listen to the charge that has been put forth by the Creator of Man. Who has God called you to be as a man of God? The truth is this. The very characteristics that our culture is attempting to eliminate are the very same character traits that our wives and our children are crying out for. So now, men of God, I give you a challenge and a prayer. Rise up to the occasion. Live into the calling of godly manhood. Holy masculinity, even when it is a pillar of strength, is never toxic, never abusive, and never manipulative. The man of God leads his family spiritually. He is an example of humility and sacrifice. 1 Timothy 6:11 says, “But as for you, O man of God, ... Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness.” and Micah 6:8 says, “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” Let’s start today. Take responsibility for the emotional and spiritual formation of the people in your care. It is time to stop the pattern of dysfunction our culture has accepted and demonstrate what it means to live in God’s order. Anchor your life into God and then be an anchor for your family that is stable, safe, and unwavering.

Open Hands

One of the greatest challenges in close relationships is holding on with the appropriate amount of grip strength. As relationships become more valuable and cherished, we tend to hold on with an increasingly tight hold. Often times we hang on so tightly that we suffocate the very relationships we intend to preserve. What if we did what is a little unnatural? What if we decided to hold our close relationships with open hands? That doesn’t mean we just turn people loose. It does mean that we allow those relationships to grow and mature in ways we may never have envisioned. But, we have to run the risk of being hurt - that’s what vulnerability truly does. And it is a hard requirement for strong and healthy relationship. Open yourself up to knowing more and more about the people in your life. After 27 years with my wife, there are still things I learn about her. That is partially due new information from the past. It is mostly due to the fact that she is maturing as a person, and the woman I married 27 years ago is not the same as the woman I am married to today. One of my biggest worries regarding marriage was the thought of having to come up with conversation topics - new ones - every day for the rest of my life with the same person. Don’t be afraid to use tools. You can find cards with questions, conversation starters, adventure books. I recommend having your spouse and your kids fill out a questionnaire about books that have shaped them, things that bring them the most joy and sadness, theological questions that trouble their spirit and inspire them to greatness, and so much more. More important than the common ground is the places of differential where you can learn about your people by sharing experiences. Open hands brings a willingness to learn and grow together.

Dealing with Disappointment

Learn to appreciate disappointment. I know that sounds weird and foreign to think about. But, let’s think about what it actually signifies. Disappointments are bright neon signs that point us to mismatched expectations. It is rarely a personal attack or intended to harm.We are in relationship with people we love and respect. We know we have matching desire for the trajectory of our relationship. So if we are experiencing disappointment, that means something isn’t lining up. And we all have expectations. Sometimes they are obvious and explicit. Other times they are not voiced or noticed. Our instinctive response is to go on the offensive. Our thoughts tend toward, “I can’t believe you don’t love me enough to do ___________ !” Instead, we should conscientiously move our thoughts toward, “I know you love me, but I can’t feel that right now. My expectation is __________.” Once it has been called out, it is good to ask what the other person thought was expected of them? Now we’re doing the real work of excavating root causes. Pausing for a moment and askng these questions gives us a platform to love one another more fully. At one time, I thought that disappointment was something that was almost impossible to come back from. I didn’t fear the discipline of those in authority, but I did fear the words, “I’m disappointed in you.” Now, I have a new tool and a new ability. With new insight and a different resolve, I can choose new patterns of behavior. that means I don’t blindly accept that disappointment is a destination. On the contrary, disappointment is an opening to a path of discovery and exploration that leads to more complete and more fulfilling relationships. In doing so, we not only make things better for ourselves, but for future generations as well.

Resolved

It is the season of reflection and resolutions. And it is good to look back on where we have been or what we have done and assess where we want to go. On the other hand, January 2nd is quaintly referred to as “Quitter’s Day.” Of course that is a reference to how many of our New Year’s resolutions fall by the wayside rapidly. In this new year, let me encourage you with a few things. Keeping resolutions is a practice in discipline. And discipline requires perseverance in the face of unrecognized change. If you go to the gym then come home and look in the mirror, the only difference you are likely to see is fatigue and sweat stains. Because there are no measurable results, our minds easily assume that our path is ineffective. So we quit. I suggest committing to the regime, not the result. If you commit to the regime of disciplined behavior, you can mess it up and even falter on consistency at times. But it is the commitment to the regime that keeps you on track. So you wake up and practice the discipline of movement and exercise. One moment at a time, you continue to choice the regime. Somewhere along the way, results can be seen and measured. I’m not sure when that actually takes place. It is almost always noticed by those outside the lines first. But measurable change only occurs with an extended period of relatively consistent practice. Going to the gym for 9 hours doesn’t get you into shape. Going to the gym for 20 minutes a day for 9 weeks gets you there. Commitment to the regime leads us to consistency and a trust in the process of disciplined and patterned behavior. So, as you look at the new year and the things you wish to change about your own life, don’t focus on the events. Don’t focus on intensity. Focus on a pattern of behavior that leads to a consistent practice.

Cheer Leaders

The easiest and quickest way to make any relationship better is to simply stop doing things that bother your partner. I could stop there, but I have space to fill. Let’s parse that out a bit. You know exactly what I’m talking about, right. We have little passive aggressive comments that we think are harmless. There are jokes that have a little barb or razor attached. And sometimes that little barb cuts deep. We leave things lying around the house or dishes in the sink. Stop! make the choice to what is necessary to make someone around you feel cared for. Stop bringing up all those old stories that you know make your partner feel defensive. Sometimes these come up in a joking fashion. Sometimes we use them as weapons in moments of disagreement. Stop assuming you know intentions. Stop telling other people how they should or shouldn’t feel. Removing the negative elements of relationship presents an opportunity to completely change the dynamic. We are all, in fact, looking for someone to be our cheerleader. We all truly need someone that is in the trenches working alongside us. Relationships, especially marriages and family connections, are driven exponentially farther when criticism is given privately and praise is given publicly. We get a little lazy at times. We get a little selfish at times. We allow our desire for instant gratification to shape one or two moments that may radically change the balance of an evening or a day. The consequence of this is that we later look for connection and/or intimacy at a later moment only to find resistance and firmly planted walls. Be positive. better yet, be overwhelmingly positive. I want to grow to be someone who is known as a man who is never negative -- as someone who finds the silver lining no matter how dark the clouds may be.

Get It! Don't Fix It!

We’ve all been there. Maybe you knew it was coming. Maybe it caught you completely off guard. You (as far as you know) haven’t done anything wrong but someone you love is upset at something and that something is pretty specifically directed in your direction. How do you respond? My instinct is to immediately begin defending my self, my motives, and my actions. But here’s the thing. You don’t have to fix it, you simply have to get it. Explaining, clarifying, and defending come across as dismissal and they rarely, if ever, accomplish what we are trying to do. What if we tried a different approach. Instead of immediately dismissing and explaining, what if we started with validation and gratitude. “Thank you so much for saying something! I’m sorry my actions made you feel that way.” Starting the next encounter this way sets up for a completely different outcome. Once they believe that ou understand - because you actually do understand - then you can explain your intentions and defend yourself. From this perspective, the same things you would have said before are no longer defensive or dismissive. On the contrary, they are received as loving. You don’t have to agree. You don’t have to find a solution. You don’t even have to clarify every misunderstood detail. You just seek first to understand. The communication of your understanding is the key here. It doesn’t matter how much you actually get it, if your partner doesn’t know that you do. The response of specific validation and responsibility is the key to constructive communication that leads to growth and maturity over spite and resentment. So many of our issues in communicating with one another can be quickly resolved by pausing for just a few seconds before we respond then choosing the loving path.

Stick With What You Know

We are living in polarizing times. We have, in many cases, lost the middle ground where constructive conversation dwells and deep relationship is built. Our tendency is to make assumptions about those with whom we engage. When we have a disagreement in thought or philosophy, we too easily assign moral value or motive. And we often lack the knowledge to accurately complete either task. Often a comment is made and we assume we know what has precipitated the words or actions. Certainly, we have experiences that make those assumptions hold merit, but the truth is we simply don’t know what is in someone else’s mind or heart. So, especially during a season filled with family and friends, bring a maturity to these gatherings that will rise above assumption. Stay out of people’s heads and hearts and deal with precisely what is explicitly in front of you. Maybe there’s something personal behind that snide remark. Maybe there isn’t. Maybe the passive aggressive comment is hiding deep-seated resentment. Maybe it’s just the result of a tired and weary soul. Don’t fill the void. If you want to deepen the relationship dramatically, take the next step of asking for clarification. Do it lovingly. Do it gently. Do it humbly. And do it with an open and contrite spirit. Be willing to wear the awkwardness of going first. If necessary (and it is almost always necessary), admit your mistakes and apologize for them earnestly. In a world of texted messages, avoided emotions, chaotic spirits, unexpressed expectations, and oppositional thinking, someone has to take responsibility for healthier and holier encounters with other people. That means we are going to demand something different from people around us and we must be willing to set that example with our own behavior.

When God Comes Home

As long as I can remember, I have had an infatuation with big cats. Panthers, tigers, and lions easily captivate my attention. I spend a lot of time at the zoo watching them move around their enclosure. The sleek and subtle movements, the hunting instincts, the power displayed in every step, the look in their eyes, and the rare earth-shaking roar are demonstrations of a majesty that is almost primal. At the zoo, expert caregivers tell us about their habits and movements. Signs and posters give us all the details and interesting facts we could ask for. And as long as there is a protective barrier, we can enjoy and appreciate the power of such beasts from a remarkably close perspective. Now, what if that lion is sitting on my couch? Immediately a completely different sense of reverence and fear set in. All of the things I loved and appreciated about that lion are still true, but the barrier is gone. Guess who’s in charge now. My life is now organized around the will of the lion. He (or she) is now lord of this situation, and everything else I wanted now takes a back seat. When God comes home - into our home - we can either bring him home in a cage, or we can honor him as the Lord of our home. I believe we too frequently treat Jesus like a lion that we love to admire. We love to go see him on Sunday. And we love to listen to teachers and pastors tell us all the good things he can do. As long as he stays in his cage. But when God comes home, he’s in charge. We cannot invite God into our home yet continue to live according to our own will and desire. When God comes home, he rearranges the furniture, and you may not like it. When God comes home, he remodels the whole house, and you may not like it. But when God comes home, the only effective response is surrender. Then we can get to work.

Home for the Holidays

Oh there’s no place like home for the holidays. At least that’s what the song says. But we all know that family and holidays brings almost as much stress and anxiety as joy and peace. Relationships are complicated and have deeply rooted histories. How can we have family gatherings that are fun times filled with conversation and reminiscing instead of conflict and passive aggressive (or maybe just plain aggressive) comments? You only control yourself. You can’t change what others may say, but you can change your own response.  Your response says more about yourself than it says about others.  Responding to hurtful or even false statements doesn’t change the fact that those things were said, but it can immediately affect our own perspective and temperament. The action of others only has power to influence you if you allow it. There is a great deal of humility required to navigate this truth.  Neither blood nor DNA demands access to our core identity.  We have  relationship based on those things, but we can allow access to our core identity based on character.  When it comes to family, we often allow behaviors that we would never accept from others in our lives. Every comment doesn’t warrant a response. As a sideline official, we had a motto. We respond to direct questions but ignore side comments. My selfishness demands defense, clarification, or an alternate perspective. But a snide comment from a coach only gains power if I grant it by responding. Direct questions can be handled with respect and conversation. The mature response to those sideways comments is a smile and a topic shifting comment. So as this holiday season kicks off, resolve to be positive. Avoid divisive and destructive conversations. Be a source of grace and joy.

Sanctified, Marriage, & Single Living

in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul talks about the life of a Christian marriage and the life of a Christian who isi single. Paul recognizes three things. It is good to be single. In fact, Paul’s wish is for all to live in this state of being. From his perspective, it is easier to surrender your whole life and to sacrifice time and resources if you do not have the responsibility of marriage. The single life is his preferred status. But he also recognizes that not many are able to shoulder the responsibility of single living. And so he recognizes that it is good to be married. Marriage is an instrument of sanctification. Sanctification is the process of being made holy or sacred. Through marriage we learn unconditional love, mercy, patience, compassion, and grace. We learn how to forgive and how to pour out favor on another person who may not deserve that favor in the moment. Through Christian marriage we are conformed to the image of Christ. Sanctification is a gradual process that begins at baptism and continues throughout the life of a Christian. Embrace where God has placed you. Even if it is only for a season, recognize what God is doing in your life at this time. Recognize and embrace the gift of God’s grace in the moment. It is far too easy to wish for something in the distance that we don’t have and miss the beauty of what God has placed in front of us. My prayer is that we can grow in this area in the church. We have been decent at recognizing values and needs of marriages and families. It has been a greater challenge to provide avenues for singles to engage and find valuable in the community of God’s people. As we grow in grace and knowledge of God’s will, may we constantly seek to faithfully serve the Kingdom with every tool and resource we have at our disposal.

Atmosphere Regulation

Last week we talked about the difference in reacting to your environment and regulating your emotional environment. Not only do we want to be a thermostat that regulates the emotional temperature in the room, we also want to develop the ability to set the atmosphere for the home. Kobe Bryant was known for a few things in his career. Primarily, he was known as the guy that no one would out work. He was up earlier, out of the gym later, most intense in practice, most competitive in the game, and he was never satisfied with his current state. He was determined to outwork any opponent he faced. That’s what we want for our homes as well. So we ask two questions and then reverse engineer the process of fulfilling those answers. The first is, “How do we want our home to feel when we wake up?” Wake up in devotion and worship. Pray with your family. Focus on the way God can work through you in the day ahead. Begin the day with gratitude and a positive spirit. The enemy is doing push-ups in the driveway of God’s people waiting to work against the ambassadors of the King. We must be dedicated to work harder than the enemy to remain rooted and anchored in God. The second is, “How do we want our home to feel when we come home?” That means we have to leave the baggage of our days outside the home. We can’t enter our homes after a long day like a dragon ready to fight and expect to be received with playfulness and peace. The discipline that is required to start the day in gratefulness, devotion, and worship goes a long way to helping us develop the tools to reenter the home with the right spirit. So, in the same way that we can be devoted to regulating our own emotions, we can also be devoted to regulating the atmosphere in our homes as well.

Emotional Regulation

Are you a thermometer or a thermostat? Our natural instinct is simply to respond to the emotional temperature of the situation we are in. We are influenced by the people and activity around us so much so that we simply become an amalgamation of the emotional responses around us. This becomes problematic when everyone in the room exhibits the same response creating an environment of escalation. The pinnacle of emotional maturity is developing the skill of changing the emotional level of an interaction. We aren’t trying to suppress or depress emotions, but rather expressing them in healthy levels to prevent the kind of escalation that inevitably ends in chaos and warfare. The nature of our culture and the experiences of our past haven’t given us the tools to regulate our emotions. We have grown dependent on our spouses, coworkers, families, or children to regulate our emotions. This isn’t fair to those around us, and it provides a foundation to build on that is unstable and always changing. We have to take control of ur own emotions and learn to regulate them ourselves. The heaviest impact is on our children. They are always scanning their environment for places of safety and security. They have an innate ability to detect the dissonance that exists in relationships and they naturally attempt to resolve that discomfort so that they can have a place to feel secure. They will strive to achieve more or to garner praise. They will act out because any attention is better than none. And sometimes they will become attached and clingy because it brings resonance, if only for a moment. Let’s not leave it to people around us to regulate our emotions. Let’s stop reacting to the temperature around us. Let’s become thermostats that influence the room positively.