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November 10, 2024

Atmosphere Regulation

Last week we talked about the difference in reacting to your environment and regulating your emotional environment. Not only do we want to be a thermostat that regulates the emotional temperature in the room, we also want to develop the ability to set the atmosphere for the home. Kobe Bryant was known for a few things in his career. Primarily, he was known as the guy that no one would out work. He was up earlier, out of the gym later, most intense in practice, most competitive in the game, and he was never satisfied with his current state. He was determined to outwork any opponent he faced. That’s what we want for our homes as well. So we ask two questions and then reverse engineer the process of fulfilling those answers. The first is, “How do we want our home to feel when we wake up?” Wake up in devotion and worship. Pray with your family. Focus on the way God can work through you in the day ahead. Begin the day with gratitude and a positive spirit. The enemy is doing push-ups in the driveway of God’s people waiting to work against the ambassadors of the King. We must be dedicated to work harder than the enemy to remain rooted and anchored in God. The second is, “How do we want our home to feel when we come home?” That means we have to leave the baggage of our days outside the home. We can’t enter our homes after a long day like a dragon ready to fight and expect to be received with playfulness and peace. The discipline that is required to start the day in gratefulness, devotion, and worship goes a long way to helping us develop the tools to reenter the home with the right spirit. So, in the same way that we can be devoted to regulating our own emotions, we can also be devoted to regulating the atmosphere in our homes as well.
November 3, 2024

Emotional Regulation

Are you a thermometer or a thermostat? Our natural instinct is simply to respond to the emotional temperature of the situation we are in. We are influenced by the people and activity around us so much so that we simply become an amalgamation of the emotional responses around us. This becomes problematic when everyone in the room exhibits the same response creating an environment of escalation. The pinnacle of emotional maturity is developing the skill of changing the emotional level of an interaction. We aren’t trying to suppress or depress emotions, but rather expressing them in healthy levels to prevent the kind of escalation that inevitably ends in chaos and warfare. The nature of our culture and the experiences of our past haven’t given us the tools to regulate our emotions. We have grown dependent on our spouses, coworkers, families, or children to regulate our emotions. This isn’t fair to those around us, and it provides a foundation to build on that is unstable and always changing. We have to take control of ur own emotions and learn to regulate them ourselves. The heaviest impact is on our children. They are always scanning their environment for places of safety and security. They have an innate ability to detect the dissonance that exists in relationships and they naturally attempt to resolve that discomfort so that they can have a place to feel secure. They will strive to achieve more or to garner praise. They will act out because any attention is better than none. And sometimes they will become attached and clingy because it brings resonance, if only for a moment. Let’s not leave it to people around us to regulate our emotions. Let’s stop reacting to the temperature around us. Let’s become thermostats that influence the room positively.
october 27, 2024

Prayer and Marriage

Everyone has heard the statistics. 50% of marriages end in divorce and 76% of second marriages end the same way. Alarmingly, the divorce rate among those who claim to be Christ - followers does not diverge far from the secular rate. In 2010, Christopher Ellison at UTSA published a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family. The study found that in marriages where the husband and wife pray daily, the divorce rate plummets to less than 1%. Yes, you read that right. Less than 1% That means two things are simultaneously true. First, prayer is a powerful weapon against the dissension that comes between a husband and a wife. Second, even though we, as Christians, profess to believe in the power of prayer, we are not very consistent or persistent in putting those beliefs into practice. Quickly we will state the obvious truths. Prayer keeps us in a state of humility before God and family. Prayer helps us to escape the cycle of hurting one another. Prayer unites. Prayer sets a tone for gratitude. Prayer invites change. Prayer eliminates selfishness. Prayer provides hope. We know these things, but it is often good to see them in print. Prayer isn’t intended to be a last resort. It isn’t intended to be a good practice to get better at. It is intended to be our identity. We will be people who pray together. Get up together, go to sleep together, or better yet, do both. Put down the distractions. While it does take discipline and vulnerability, it actually takes very little effort. I want prayer to become such an integral part of my life that it’s absence actually creates a measurable effect similar to withholding food, water, or breath. This is how we change the future for our children and testify to the world about the life-changing power of the Gospel of Jesus.
october 20, 2024

Responding to Criticism

“Constructive criticism” has always been a challenge to me. It feels impossible to either give or receive criticism constructively. Maybe it is just me, but even when criticism is led by, “don’t take this personally”, I do take it personally. Maybe it’s because I tend to put so much of myself into my projects or work. More likely, it is because I just don’t take criticism well in general. We are at our best when we are able to accept criticism well. And we can only grow or mature when our deficiencies are made known so we can make improvements. So, here are some ways we can accept criticism. Be still and listen. We don’t always get to choose where criticism comes from, but we can always choose to attentively listen to someone else’s experience with us. Resist the temptation to make excuses. When deficiencies are highlighted, our instinct is to excuse and defend our actions. It’s a natural response, but not a mature one. Carefully consider the information that is given. Some will be useful and accurate. Some will be inaccurate, but still useful. And some will be neither accurate nor useful. Considering the information opens us up to the possibility of growth. Excuses and defense mechanisms close us from those same opportunities. Be available for vulnerable self-examination. An emotional response to feedback is generally a good cue that it could be accurate or has at least struck a chord in our hearts. There are times when prior experiences or anxiety cause us to react emotionally to inaccurate negative feedback. That’s a topic for another time. However the emotional response should cause us to enter into an honest session of self-evaluation. Always say thank you. We should always respond with gratitude when someone gives us an opportunity to grow.
october 13, 2024

Behavior is a Language (Part 2)

On the heels of last week’s article, we have two questions to ask. What is my behavior saying to others? And what can I learn about others by their behavior? As we teach our kids to learn to act in an appropriate or acceptable way, it can be easy to overlook our responsibility as adults to ask the question, “Why are they acting out in this way?” Sometimes it can be searching for connection. Other times it is a lack of safety that spawns tantrums. Sometimes it is a desire for validation and recognition. Then there are other times when actions are simply testing the stability of boundaries that have been established. And I’m not just talking about kids here either. As adults, our behavior comes with a context and communicates something to those around us. From experience, we all know that the language of behavior is more trustworthy than the words we use. If someone says they are trustworthy, but their behavior says something different, we will almost always trust the behavior. And we should. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Be curious about why that behavior is present if you want to deepen that relationship, but truly grasp the totality of the information you are receiving. So, one aspect of this is understanding how people are communicating with you. The challenging part of this conversation is the introspective aspect that asks what our own behavior is communicating. And if you want to make a real impact in your own growth and maturity, ask the people in your life what they see. Ask your spouse, your kids, your co-workers, or your supervisor what your behavior communicates. Give them permission to be honest and transparent. Listen to what they have to say. Then come back next week when we talk about how to receive criticism.
october 6, 2024

Behavior is a Language

Communication is the constant challenge and pursuit in relationships. It is often the most fleeting thing we seek always hanging out just beyond our reach. One of the primary reasons for this is the incongruence between our words and our actions. Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Like all sayings, these are generalities we can learn from. We can learn how to process information others are giving. And, maybe more importantly, we can understand how our behavior is being heard by others around us. Even the smallest of behaviors communicate something. I am a tech nerd. New gadgets, iOs updates, streamlined compatibility make my heart flutter (okay, not really, but you know what I mean). My Apple Watch has enabled me to track my heart rate, respiration, sleep habits, activity logs, and so much more. It has also communicated to many people that my texts and notifications are more important than the conversations I am having. I have to be aware of how my wrist checking is perceived by people in front of me. That’s a small but not silly example of a profound truth. Behavior is a language. Behavior reveals an established system of priorities. Sometimes those behaviors are bad habits that need to be remedied. Sometimes they are expressions of our character we have tried to work through or keep hidden. Still other times, they are a result of a diminishing amount of physical interaction and a system of communication that is heavily reliant on text messages. Communicate face to face. Make physical communication a priority. Inspect your own behavior. Speak up when people say one thing but act differently. And listen when people call you on inconsistent behavior.
September 29, 2024

Fight for Joy

There are times we just feel down and unmotivated. When this is the case, it is very easy to let off the gas pedal on things that help our spirits. When we are struggling, it’s harder to exercise, to read, to spend time alone with God, and to spend time with friends. Fight for joy. When you don’t want to have lunch with a friend, this is when you need to schedule it the most. When you feel like skipping a workout, this is when you need the workout the most. I have had friends who I just watched slip deeper and deeper into a joyless state. When I asked them to fight for their joy, in some way, they’d say “I’m just not up for it.” I get it. It is hard, but it is harder to stay in a bad spot and get worse. It is in fighting for your joy that you can be a blessing to those around you. If the negative emotion sticks around long, you will turn to something. Some turn to alcohol. Others binge watching a television show. Some just scroll on their phone. Instead, get good sleep, exercise, spend time with friends, and, most importantly, pursue God. If nothing seems to help and you are just stuck in a depressive or anxious state, seek professional help immediately. Create a Joyful Routine. Make a daily or weekly schedule to include activities, such as exercising, meeting with friends, reading, and spending time in prayer or meditation. Stick to this routine, especially when it feels the hardest. Seek Support. Reach out to a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor when you feel your joy slipping away. Sometimes, just talking to someone who understands can make a significant difference. Reflect and Reconnect. Journaling can be a great way to keep track of what you’re grateful for and remind you of the joy that surrounds you. Reconnect with your faith and trust that with perseverance, joy will return.
September 22, 2024

An Anchored Identity

Let’s continue to think in more detail about some of the things we looked at last week. In one sense, we are concerned about pleasing people and making people around us comfortable with a choice we have made. On the other hand, we know it is impossible to please everyone and we have an obligation to honor our own convictions. That doesn’t mean we dismiss other people’s ideas, beliefs, or even their opinions. There is value in the thoughts of others. By the same token, the culture we live in proposes a completely untethered sense of self. I suggest that, as Christ followers, we have the best of both philosophies of life. In the church, we have a reliable community of people with a shared purpose, mission, and values. They hold us accountable when necessary and help us to make decisions in keeping with our identity in Christ. Similarly, it is our identity anchored in Christ that gives us the ability to be true to ourselves. We do not fall into the realm of hedonistic living that is solely focused on selfishness and independent morality. We do commit ourselves to knowing God - his will, his law, and his Word. Then we can acknowledge that our goal is to please him and to bring him glory. When this is the arc of our lives, then we can find our own selves to be trustworthy. And the beauty of dwelling in community is that, even though we don’t seek to please them, we do value their observations and perspectives. When they speak up because we are acting in a way that is inconsistent with our commitment to God, we take it seriously and then act on it - not because it is someone else’s opinion, but because it is a trusted member of our community making an educated value judgment, and holding our own spiritual health and well-being in the highest regard.
September 15, 2024

Pleasing the Masses

It is ironic that, in a world so determined to celebrate independence and individuality, so many people are caught up in the anxieties and pressure of pleasing the most people with their life choices. The desire to be unique and to honor our own objectives is easily overshadowed by the desire to be accepted. Often times, those we are seeking acceptance from don’t even have an investment in our lives. They may be close family, but they are most frequently acquaintances, lightly connected people, or even strangers in our circles. Even though we know that to be true, the pressure remains. “What will people think or say if I ...?” Those who have this tendency will tell you that the anxiety can be paralyzing. Additionally, all of the logic and reasonable explanations as to why you shouldn’t feel this way make perfect sense and at the same time have zero effect. So what are we to do? Unfortunately, the only way to get to the other side of most things is to go right through the middle. Acknowledge the presence of the emotions as well as the necessary action. Acknowledge the truth that no matter what you do, someone is going to disagree with you. Consult someone you trust to make sure you are making a wise choice. Then trust yourself. In the words of Polonius, “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man”. It really is as simple as that. It isn’t easy, but the path is clear. You are obligated and responsible for your own decisions and the welfare of those entrusted to you. What other people think simply doesn’t matter. The looks will come. The comments will be made. You may have to carve out some people who refuse to honor your choices. With practice, it will get easier.
September 8, 2024

Choose Your Hard

Life is not easy, no matter which path you take. Often, when we are looking at our path forward, there are things we don’t like about what we see, so we begin to formulate a path forward. And and so we begin to set goals and design paths that help accomplish those goals. Inevitably, we don’t stay on those paths for long. A few weeks ago, we talked about setting a new identity and living into that. Here is the reason that is necessary. You can’t “disgust” your way into weight loss or physical fitness. You may look in the mirror and dislike what you see. You may make decisions and immediately regret the choices you have made. You may be completely unhappy with your career path. And you may also look at the state of your relationships and recognize that you are unfulfilled and joyless. Guilt, shame, anger, and disgust will never inspire lasting transformation. Now let’s think about it this way. Life is hard. Being healthy is hard. So is being unhealthy. Physical fitness is a hard way of life that requires commitment, discipline, and dedication. Being overweight is also hard. It is hard to be out of breath and to live with aching joints and a poor self-image. Healthy relationships are hard and require a lot of intentional work, selflessness, and discipline. Dysfunctional relationships are hard and draining. They create stress and pressure. Defined boundaries are hard when it comes to careers. A workaholic attitude is hard. However you go about it, life is hard. It’s hard to be disciplined. Even though it is different, it is still hard. At times it is hard to choose a path up front. Other times the hard path is found in the consequences of those choices. Choose your hard. Recognize your identity. Live into the habits and practices that go along with that identity. And keep on keeping on.
September 1, 2024

Performance Standards

Performative standards are a prohibition to connection. When we are in a healthy relationship with our spouse, we will brag about them, their character, their humor, and their integrity. When we are in a state of relational unhealthiness, we will brag about what our spouse does for us. On the surface, that doesn’t seem so vastly different. However, performative value judgments are an unsustainable measure by which to measure healthy and connected relationships. It is transactional in nature and we will never be able to measure up to where that leads. The current state will never be sufficient and there will always be a demand for more. When we find safety, security, fulfillment, and value in who our spouse is, then we can build on a foundation that is firm and solid. This is a hard shift to make because physical acts are often much easier to quantify and manage than identity and character. So we stick to what is easy and to what we know - performance standards. And the thing of it all is simple. It works. And it often works well. Until it doesn’t. And when it stops working, we are left holding a bag of anger and resentment. On top of the resentment is a layer of confusion, because when it falls apart it bursts suddenly at the seams leaving a trail of bewilderment about what has just transpired. The same holds true for kids. Hold them accountable for points of integrity, character, and identity as opposed to awards, accolades, and grades. When we focus on our relationships in terms of identity, we are anchoring ourselves into a deeper system of value judgments that is much more stable in times of stress and in times of growth and development. It isn’t easy to quantify, but we can start with a list of values on display that we can all agree to live by. Then we can build from there.
August 25, 2024

The Comparison Game

I’ve heard it said in several places, “Comparison will steal your soul.” Fewer words have rang more true than these. Here is another truth. Comparison is also an inescapable part of our DNA. We have to look around us to see if we are doing the right thing in the right way. It is a part of our ability to survive in our society and in the world around us. So, as we are engaging the world around us and determining our fitness within those communities, we must challenge ourselves to resist the temptation to try to live someone else’s life and choose to use comparison as a teaching tool that enables growth and discovery. The comparison game leads to a few obstacles in relationships. Comparison misses what is great in the current relationship. The focus on what is lacking overlooks what is going well. The positive aspects of our lives are frequently a quiet majority while our deficits seem to broadcast themselves to the world. Comparison leads to low self-esteem and a loss of trust. The primary loss of trust is in oneself. There is often a nagging that can arise making you think that there is something wrong with you and your decision-making. Comparison renders unattainable expectations. It’s not ability or value that makes it unattainable, it is the simple fact that it is not your life you are pursuing. You have a different set of experiences and values you must learn to love and embrace. Instead of playing the comparison game, let’s focus on two ways to strengthen our presence in present relationships. Talk to one another. Sounds simple enough, but it is easily the first thing we stop doing. Make your expectations and desires known. Focus on enriching what you currently have. Find the good things in your life and magnify them. Count your blessings and then live in them.
August 18, 2024

Goals and Identity

In a world of fad diets, get rich quick schemes, and miracle workout regimens, it is easy to become infatuated with a way of life where the ends justify the means. That means that we become so intensely focused on the outcome that we almost lose any kind of sense regarding how we got there. The downside to a results-focused approach to life change is that it is largely unsustainable. Diet plans, food trackers, restrictive regimens, intense physical workouts, and even more intellectual goals like reading plans or study habits are all good for accomplishing tasks but poor at establishing habitual change. So, let’s focus on identity rather than results. Instead of saying “I want to read 2 books a month this year”, let’s say, “I am a person who reads.” What does that look like on others? Once we define that, we can implement practices in our own lives. A person who reads always has a book handy. They probably have two or three. One on the nightstand, one in the living room, and another that always goes with me. Then I practice reading in place of other activities I use to pass idle time. Instead of focusing on diet or increasing physical activity, we can ask ourselves what it looks like to be a person who stewards their body well. We have examples of that. A person who stewards their body well places sleep at a high priority. They understand the value of nutrition, moderation, and consistent physical activity. People who steward their bodies place themselves in a position to consistently succeed and intentionally plan to make wise choices. You can take these perspectives and apply them to any aspect of your life. I am a man who prays. I am a man who encourages. I am ... you fill in the blank then organize your life around that picture to bring it to life in a sustainable way.

August 11, 2024

Lost Connection

We have talked a lot lately in these articles about connection. That’s because connection is vital to our health and well-being, but it is something we have largely carved out of our lives and our relationships. Addictions are at historically high levels. marriages are under historically high pressures. Students are under the influence of historically high stressors. Parents are experiencing historically complex calendars. And our connected relationships are at historically low levels. Certainly, phones and televisions play a key role in that disconnection. But they are definitely not the lone culprit. Careers, hobbies, children’s activities, and a host of other things have demanded time and attention that, if left unchecked, can leave our spouses or children starving for connection. Presence is important, but distracted presence is worse than physical absence especially for young children. And when that connection is missing, people act out. Acting out could be bad behavior, it could be annoying behavior, and it can be hyper-performative behavior. Unfortunately, acting out often results in the opposite of the desired response, and then connection is sought in alternative communities or behaviors and substances that at least momentarily numb the emotional turmoil. So, the next time someone in your life is acting out, take a moment to ask yourself where you can create greater connection points. Remove distractions and talk. Hug one another regularly. Be present and engaged. Remove distractions and have real meaningful conversations. Hold hands and touch your children on the face. There is something that happens with skin on skin touch that anchors us as humans in safe and secure relationships. Let’s start connecting on deeper levels.

August 4, 2024

It’s Up To You

Victim mentality and a resistance to take ownership regarding less than desirable results in our life is not new in this generation of our culture, but it does seem to be much more prevalent. At times it seems as though we find our purpose and our value to society in our ability to be offended. The plight of the victim is not only glorified and praised, but that position in our culture instills a pursuit of victimization. The major flaw in this ecosystem is that victim livelihood is unhealthy, unsustainable, and leads to major identity or codependency issues. So here is a challenge that will lead to a healthier, more content, and more fulfilled you. Let’s stop saying “You hurt my feelings” or “He/she made me feel guilty for ...”. Hurt feelings, offense, guilt, and other reactions are choices you make. You get to choose who hurts your feelings and who can actual cause you offense. We have often given too many people access to the dep parts of our spirit from where these things come. People can say ugly things. People can criticize and even cause you hardship. But only people who have been given access to my identity and value can actually cause me to choose to be hurt or offended by their comments. It’s up to you. No one gets automatic access just because of their position in life. It’s up to you. And I think that circle should be small. My circle has 4, maybe 5 people in it and sometimes that seems crowded. Certainly I listen to criticism and comments from all who offer. There is a lot of value found in many places. But I choose a path that resists hurt feelings and offensive feelings. You are the only one that has the power and authority to open the gates to those aspects of your identity. It’s up to you. Choose your circle carefully, and remind yourself often of what you can control.

July 28, 2024

Did you hear me?

The answer is almost always, “No, they didn’t hear you.” Your kids don’t always hear or listen to what you say, but they definitely watch what you do. Intuitively, we know the correlation between words and actions. However, I think we too easily dismiss the influence that our actions have in teaching our children. From toddlers to teenagers, our kids learn from modeled behavior. Every parent and church leader asks the question, “How do we keep our kids on the right path?” The answer is the same in both instances. In churches, we have seen movements to make church feel more relevant and exciting. Light shows, rock bands, smoke machines, and even some twisted teaching has been employed in an attempt to stay relevant to a younger generation of Christian people. In the home, we have softened discipline, shielded consequences, blurred the lines between friends and parental relationships, and created chaotic schedules to try to make kids “like us”. Then we model behavior inconsistent with the claims we made. When we proclaim the importance of Christian living and the church, then Christian living and church activities can’t be the first things that get sacrificed in conflict. If we expect our kids to treat people with love and grace, we have to model that love and grace. We model it in our marriages, in our work relationships, with our friends, with the people we deal with in stores restaurants and schools, with coaches and teachers, and even on the road behind the wheel. It is important to have conversations. It is important to talk about difficult topics and relevant cultural issues. It is important to discuss morals, values, and expectations. But the next time your kids act like they haven’t heard you, ask yourself how you can model your expectations better.

July 21, 2024

Guilt, Shame, and Identity

How do you process the consequences of bad choices? A series of good choices that is interrupted by a bad choice is frequently met with a response of guilt and shame. Guilt and shame then drive us deeper into an unhealthy pattern of life that is governed by how well we keep the rules. That is the struggle that many, especially those raised in strict church environments, find themselves in. Our identity has been wrapped up in how good we have been which is defined by how little we messed up. The consequence of that mindset is a life that moves away from grace and mercy and has a hard time finding identity outside of behavior. Here is the truth. Your identity is not found in your failures or your successes. Neither your trophies nor your sins make you who you are. Your identity is found in Christ alone. That means we have to change the way we own and use guilt and shame. Guilt and shame should not be used to motivate ourselves or others. It works in the short-term but the long-term damage is extensive. Acknowledge the consequences of bad decisions. Then own the guilt without assigning identity. That means when we make things right and apologize if necessary, we address the action. “I am sorry I did that.” The temptation is to imply “I am a bad person because I did that.” I appreciate the move that has been made in mental health fields lately. It is something we should employ in other areas as well. We don’t say he/she is autistic, or anorexic, or bipolar, or even depressed. We say he/she is struggling with autism, or anorexia, or bipolar, or depression. it is a small semantic change that completely alters our perspective on identity. What we do is not who we are. But who we are in Christ should shape what we do, particularly when it comes to grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

July 14, 2024

Spenders and Savers

Are you and your spouse on opposite ends of the spending spectrum? Do you consistently feel like you’re not on the same page month after month? If so, you’re not alone—many couples wrestle with this challenge. When one of you identifies as the ‘spender,’ and the other proudly wears the ‘saver’ badge, navigating the saver/spender dynamic in marriage may initially feel like a delicate financial balancing act. But fret not. Here are a few tips for finding financial harmony in your marriage: Kickstart the journey towards financial accountability by developing a realistic budget. This doesn’t mean your spouse is scrutinizing every transaction; rather, it’s about keeping both of you on the same page. Allocate specific amounts for necessary expenses and, importantly, set aside a dedicated portion for discretionary spending. This approach allows the spender in your relationship to enjoy purchases they desire while maintaining financial boundaries. Define short-term and long-term objectives. These tangible goals provide purpose and act as a guide for thoughtful spending decisions. Regularly discuss your financial goals with your spouse to create a supportive environment and reinforce informed spending decisions. Strike a balance between fun and financial responsibility by incorporating a designated ‘fun’ line item into their budget. Allocating a reasonable amount for entertainment, dining out, or leisure activities with your spouse allows guilt-free enjoyment within predetermined limits that won’t compromise your financial goals. Navigating marriage’s saver/spender dynamic requires understanding, compromise, and open communication. By adopting strategies inspired by spenders and savers, you can create financial harmony in your marriage.

July 7, 2024

Connection and Discipline

Last week we talked about growing to a place where connection is our standard response when faced with difficult situations. Finding connection when it comes to disciplinary action can be a bigger challenge. Here is a practical example I have grown to love and appreciate. have a family meeting and have a discussion about who you will choose to be as members of the family. Set a series of rules or values that everyone in the family agrees to live by. 10 is a good number. Once you have all decided on and agree to those rules and values, put them on a canvas, carve or burn them into wood, or do something creative with them so you can hang them up for all to see. That gives you a point of reference to go back to when one of your children makes a decision that requires some form of discipline. For instance, if one of your family values is, “We are people of integrity who honor our responsibilities”, that means that before we go get ice cream, our chores need to be done and homework completed. If those things aren’t completed when it is time to go to the ice cream shop, there are now two options to respond. “Well, you didn’t finish your homework. You chose to play instead. Now you don’t get ice cream.” In this instance, we are using connection as a bartering chip and using a loss of connected relationship as a form of punishment. The second option is, “I am really sorry you chose to not follow one of our family values. We aren’t getting ice cream tonight, but we can try again tomorrow as long as we follow through on our responsibilities.” It is a subtle difference, but a powerful one that doesn’t eliminate the consequence of poor choices. The first uses connection to manipulate behavior. The other places connection in a position of constant pursuit.

June 30, 2024

Default to Connection

How do you respond when someone in your life brings you information or reveals something that is difficult to hear? It is our instinct to resort to preservation mode, pursue solutions to some of the problems we perceive with the info that has been shared, and we begin to construct moral and behavioral boundaries for what must come next. Often, the one thing that is needed most is inadvertently the very thing we abandon - connection. Sometimes those revelations are simple. Other times they may come with greater consequences. And even still, there are times when the people in our lives reveal some critical identity-shifting pieces of information. When you find yourself in one of these conversations, move toward connection. That means your desire to respond with your own thoughts and opinions about what should come next should be placed on the back burner. That doesn’t mean it goes completely away. It simply means now is the time for something else. There will be a time when we set boundaries, determine moral anchors, and set expectations regarding the relationship and behaviors moving forward. Pursuing connection means that we stop the initial emotional response to difficult information and we lean in to ask more questions. “Tell me more.” “What about that makes you feel happy and secure?” “What about that makes you nervous or anxious?” These are a few of many questions you may ask to begin to pursue deeper connection. A lack of connection leads to all sorts of relational issues. As individuals, we will seek out connection in all sorts of substances and behaviors. A lack of connection is at the root of almost all addictive behavior. So, let’s work to make connection our default setting and solution-seeking will come around in due time.

June 23, 2024

Sabbath Rest

What do you get when you cross a tired church camp mind, a deadline for a bulletin article, and voice-to-text technology? You get an article with so many typos it’s almost unreadable. If you read last week’s article, you know what I am talking about. If not, we’ll just move ahead. The work-life balance is one of those great white whales we are in constant pursuit of. It always seems to be in view but yet always just out of reach. Possibly, it’s not the pursuit we were created for. Ideally, in the mountain top of Eden, we were created to dwell in a Sabbath rest found in the presence of God. Work that your life is dependent on is a curse. We were never intended to find purpose, value, identity, or fulfillment in work. Work is a necessary part of life in a fallen world. The purpose of work is to create a space for sabbath, for rest. But rest is so hard to come by. We have trained ourselves to value productivity over stillness. We wear our busyness as a badge of honor or evidence of importance in our society. We don’t even talk about sabbath much in our Bible studies. We often view it as an obsolete Old Testament construct. However, the whole existence of the people of God revolves around sabbath rest. Sabbath reminds us of the created order. Sabbath reminds us of where our purpose and peace come from. Sabbath points us toward the ultimate rest from work in the age to come. The adversary will try to convince you that rest is for the weak, the lazy, the under-achieving, and more. As a result, we find guilt, shame, loneliness, and deafening silence when we sit in sabbath. I encourage you to sit through the discomfort and find peace, solace, and fulfillment as you rest with your spouse and your family in the presence and provision of God.

June 16, 2024

Passion [edited]

The pursuit of passion can often feel like a hunt for Sasquatch. We see evidence all around that something exists that is worthy of our efforts, but often the result of our search is disappointment. The greatest obstacle to the pursuit of passionate relationships is a life void of that same passion we search for in other places. The key to a passionate marriage - the key to passionate families - is a life that is lived passionately. We have the ability to pursue career achievements, goals, and successes with high energy and high purpose. However, when it comes to our families and our marriages, we find it more challenging to bring the same energy and same purpose to the table. Obviously, we’re aware of the emotional currency that comes to the table when we talk about religion, faith, and Christianity. We definitely bring a lot of emotional currency to politics in matters of culture and society. Maybe we’ve just devalued the importance of emotional currency in non-romantic relationships. For instance, we recognize the importance of passion in marriage and romantic relationships, but we often don’t think about passion in relationships with our children and even our friends. In a culture that appears to crave division cloaked in pursuit of unity, we have grown accustomed to building relationships that appear to be close-knit on the outside, but look very different when inspected on a deeper level. We have exchanged the pursuit of passionate living for the appeasement of screens and temporary comfort. We have settled for solace found in social media communities in lieu of profound personal relationships. And we have opted for surface-level friendships over emotionally connected friendships. Be vulnerable. Love deeply. Risk injury. Live passionately.

June 9, 2024

Myth Busters Ep. 3

“My kids are my world.” I think this is ultimately an unhealthy expression of important realities. Reality number 1 is the complete dependence children have on parents for their most basic needs. The 2nd reality is the massive responsibility that comes with parenthood. And the 3rd reality is that when we organize life around small children, life tends to be easier, at least in the short term. As a result, our homes become arranged in such a way that our marriages take a back seat and our toddlers grow up to be teen-aged adults who are shocked to discover that the world doesn’t treat them the same way mom and dad did. We must resist the urge to trade long-term benefits for short-term comfort and ease. Raising kids is hard no matter what. It is definitely simpler to reorganize life around the complex schedule of young children. And as they age, it seems like “The Schedule” becomes the dictating factor that governs family dinners, vacations, and church obligations. The easy way is not easy at all and the right thing is often more difficult in the moment. The payoff comes rather quickly, though. Tending to your marriage first builds a strong foundation that can withstand the test of the terrible twos and the “terribler” teens. Teaching babies and young children to adapt makes nap time easier, bedtime fun, and trips and excursions become opportunities for memories to be anticipated. As patterns and habits turn into expectations,  we develop a consistency surrounding enforcement and the resistance against those expectations begins to lessen. Rest assured, resistance will come. It is the nature of humanity to press against those walls to see how firm they are. Hold fast. Do the hard work early on. Embrace the fruit of your labor down the road.
June 2, 2024

Sacrifice or Abundance

I have come across this language of sacrifice and abundance frequently in my reading and listening lately. Admittedly, I have spent much time and energy focusing on the language of sacrifice. And to some degree, that is appropriate when it comes to the walk of Christianity. We are, after all, called to model our life after the love of Christ which is perfectly exhibited on the cross of Calvary. However, when you look at the story of God and his people, the prevailing message is found in the abundance of God. I think we spend an inordinate amount of time dwelling on what we “lose” as opposed to the abundant promise of God. In John 10:10, Jesus said the he came so that his followers may have the full and abundant life, not a life of scarcity and insufficiency. There is a sacrifice to be made, but what we are asked to sacrifice are things that have no value, no purpose, and offer no progress toward our true calling. In reality, it is no sacrifice at all in comparison to he surpassing greatness of knowing Christ our Lord. The abundance of Eden paled when the forbiddenness of a single tree was confronted without context. The abundance of the Promised land was exchanged for a mirage of prosperity in being “like the nations”. I think our perspective of sacrifice comes from the challenge of being generous with the abundance of God. Our resources are finite, but the abundance of God is not a zero sum game. There is enough to go around, for everyone to be full, and also to collect leftovers. That’s the message of God for his people. If you live within His will and purpose, you dwell richly in the abundance of the Creator. The things we sacrifice seem large and impactful in the moment. When they are viewed through the lens of God’s will, we realize that we are exchanging coal for diamonds.

May 26, 2024

Grace is Greater

Unwholesome talk, foul language, and coarse joking... Paul tells us to completely avoid such things. Typically, we probably think about 4 letter words, things that might be beeped out on the telly merit a little red “E” on an album or earn an “R” rating on a movie. Of course, we all know what coarse joking means, at least on a surface level. However, I think there is something far deeper that Paul, through the heart of Jesus, is calling us to. Holy speech is an expression of a life of grace and mercy. Instinctively, we are drawn to negativity. We are quick to point out typos and grammatical errors. We pounce on bad grades, performance errors, and poor choices regarding phrasing. Absolutely, there are those points in time when we must stand up for ourselves, hold boundaries in place, and call out inappropriate behavior. My challenge on a daily basis is to live with the benefit of the doubt as the immediate response when we are dealing with people in our spheres of relationships. I challenge you to seek out opportunities to praise what is going well. I challenge you to see the value of the relationship more prominently than the hyper-critical approach of communication that highlights the smallest of errors. Let’s not miss something here. I need editors. I need people to let me know when I have worded something wrongly or miscommunicated, or hurt someone’s feelings. The challenge is to do all things with the pursuit of edification and constructive communication. When we have gone out of our way to call attention to all of the things that are going right, our voice of correction is heard with a completely different spirit. Hopefully, it is the spirit that is intended. The path of giving grace is not always the easiest path, but it is always the greater path to take with a greater reward.

May 19, 2024

Reframing Tragedy and Trauma

The rodeo and bull riding has been an institution in my life as long as I can remember. My grandfather was a rodeo clown and I knew all the players and stories. The legacy of Stephenville cowboys & names like Lane, Tuff, Bodacious, and Takin’ Care of Business were just a part of normal conversation. I recently saw an interview with J.B. Mauney. It’s a toss up between him and Lane Frost as to who the greatest bull rider in history is. On September 6, 2023, J.B. was thrown off of Arctic Assassin. He landed on his head breaking his neck and almost losing his life in the process. He subsequently retired from the PBR. Earlier this year, Arctic Assassin was retired and now resides at J.B. Mauney’s ranch. In the interview, Mauney was standing next to the bull that nearly cost him his life. He stroked the massive beast like he was a beloved pet. His perspective was powerful. He described Arctic Assassin as the bull he was riding when he broke his neck. He didn’t say, “This was the bull that broke my neck.” Often times, when tragedy impacts our world, our instinct is to look for someone or something to take the blame. Somehow, we think that an object to blame will make it make sense. But life isn’t fair. The rain falls on the just and the unjust. The blended activity of good and not good things is the nature of the world we live in this side of the sovereign will of God. When we learn to make peace with the presence of tragedy and traumatic experiences in our lives, we can then begin to formulate a constructive path forward. The grief, the consequences, and the pain don’t go away. But recognizing the unfairness of our present existence and embracing the faithfulness of God is a foundation we can build on with confidence.
May 12, 2024

Write New Stories

We all tell stories. It is a part of our DNA. We tell stories as a way of illustrating truths. We tell them about our past. We tell them about the people in our lives that have made an impact. And we tell stories that anchor our identity. It is a powerful tool that we use for connection and expression. We also tend to tell ourselves stories about others in our lives. Those stories help us work out inconsistencies in our expectations and reality. We tell stories when we don’t understand motives. And we tell ourselves these stories to justify our own bad behavior and choices. Here’s the problem. The stories you tell yourself about other people in your life begin to inform your actions toward them. When someone in my home does something or says something that causes me to hurt, doubt, or experience anxiety I have a choice to make. I can either confront the behavior, or I can tell myself a story that accounts for the hurt and makes my response acceptable. Be very careful about the narrative you allow to live in your mind about your family, especially your spouse. The Adversary will take that narrative, twist it, and make you believe all kinds of lies about the mission and purpose given by God. Marriage and family, as designed and created by God, is good, holy, and fulfilling. Motivated by the grace, mercy, and faithfulness of God, demand to live in the light of the truth - especially when that truth is difficult to uncover. Confront behavior that is hurtful and ungodly. Confront it in others and expect it to be met with confrontation in your own practice as well. Don’t make assumptions. Don’t write fictional stories created in your own imagination. Allow the people in your life to tell their own story. Then come together and write new stories together.
May 5, 2024

Be Curious

They say that “Curiosity killed the cat!” But the cat wasn’t in relationship. Cats, after all, are a fickle bunch that prefer to be alone. When it comes to relationships, curiosity is the ingredient that holds everything together in communication. Our first instinct is to make assumptions about motivation or causation. One of my professors said something that has stuck with me. “Everything makes sense in context.” I had to think about that for a minute. Here’s my challenge to you. Ask more questions and be curious. If something doesn’t make sense, you don’t have enough information. You can either fill that gap with assumptions or questions. Often times the root of abnormal behavior is a lack of safety or security somewhere in a person’s life. Sometimes it is a source of pressure, anxiety, or a traumatic experience (big or small). Every action has a root and a story. That doesn’t make it appropriate. And there are still consequences for bad choices. However, asking questions that uncover the context is an important step to resolving the issue at hand, developing new tools for the future, and creating new expectations for how these situations will be handled from here on. A toddler’s tantrum, an anxious moment about a new place or people, a child’s refusal to speak to someone they don’t know (or do know), an uncharacteristic response to criticism or a joke, and the list can go on. The typical choice we make is to react instinctively which only serves to fan the flames of discord. But there is another option. The next time something happens around you and people respond in ways that don’t make sense, take the time to stop for just a moment and ask a question or two. Uncover context and begin to change the pattern of communication in your relationships.